
        Twenty Bottles of Beer on the Wall...Twenty Bottles of Beer

                     If Operating Systems Were Beers...
                       Contributed by Derek Buchler

 DOS Beer: Requires you to use your own can opener, and for you to read
 the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came
 in an 8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is
 divided into eight compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be
 accessed separately.  Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people
 are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

 Mac Beer: At first, came only in 16-oz. cans, but now comes in a 32-oz.
 can. Con- sidered by many to be a light beer. All the cans look
 identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The
 ingredient list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the
 ingredients, you are told that you don't need to know. A notice on the
 side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

 Windows 3.1 Beer: The world's most popular! Comes in a 16-oz. can that
 looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer.
 Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously,
 but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly,
 especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same
 time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will
 explode when you open it. OS/2 Beer: Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow
 you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink
 Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises
 that its cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them
 up. You never really see any- one drinking OS/2 Beer, but the
 manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million
 six-packs have been sold.

 Windows 95 Beer: Before you could buy it lots of people taste-tested it
 and claimed it wonderful. Now that it's here, we can see that the can
 looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer.
 It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have
 16 oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows
 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it.
 The ingredient list, when you look at the small print, has some of the
 same ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer
 claims that this is an entirely new brew.

 Windows NT Beer: Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the
 truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger
 refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the
 company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's
 - soon after Windows95 beer ships. Touted as an industrial strength
 beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

 Unix Beer: Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8
 oz. to 64 oz. Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even
 though they claim that all the different brands taste almost identical.
 Sometimes the pop-tops break off when you try to open them, so you have
 to have your own can opener around for those occasions. In this extreme
 case you either need a complete set of instructions, or a friend who
 has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.

 AmigaDOS Beer: The company has gone out of business, but their recipe
 has been picked up by some weird German company, so now this beer will
 be an import.  This beer never really sold very well because the
 original manufacturer didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer,
 AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud group. It originally
 came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can
 was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but the
 design hasn't changed much over the years, so it appears dated now.
 Critics of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV
 anyway.

 VMS Beer: Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top
 and sipping.  However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or
 contain extremely un-beer-like contents.  Best drunk in high pressure
 development environments. When you call the manufacturer for the list
 of ingredients, you're told that is proprietary and referred to an
 unknown listing in the manuals published by the FDA.  Rumors are that
 this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk Reference as a
 tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.

 Derek Buchler is a Systems administrator. He has been associated with
 WindoWatch as a contributing writer!


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